"You'll just know in your heart when you're ready," the doctor said, looking me in the eyes, as my pathetic little x-rays sat behind him, mocking me.
Dr. Haid was talking about future surgery, but I think that Jesus put those words in my mind for another hour, for another situation, and for another mindset.
Those words sprang into my mind on this cold day like warmth pouring into my heart. On the day that would've been the anniversary of me dating a boy for four years, the day that I couldn't sit still in English because my back decided that today it didn't want to give me a break. The day that might've had a few too many birthday cake Oreos in it, and maybe a few too many tears.
In my deepest wound I saw Your glory and it astounded me.
God has taught me a lot about showing up, about repairs, and about contentment. He took everything away, put me in both a physical and a mental state of desperation and need, and delicately placed me in just the right position, so that no matter which way I turned or tried to run, He was there with opening His arms. Knowing full and well that all I wanted was to fall into them.
I think that that's kind of what my life is looking like right now. Frantically looking around, wondering where I can run: where I can run away from my sin, from the cortisone shots, and from the brokenness that is my heart.
But just when I start to take my first step, I feel that longing in my heart that only a divine embrace can satisfy.
And that's when I realized it.
That despite the crap that is sin in my life right now, He makes me new.
He makes me new so that I can clumsily fall into those steady arms every morning of my life. He makes it so that He pieces my weak heart back together a little more every time I fall. He makes it so that no matter how strong I continue to get, I need Him a little more than I did my last tumble.
He makes it so that I am continually astounded, by the radiant love that He continually shows me through Young Life leaders, sunflowers, and a flowered notebook.
And man, am I thankful for that. For the snips of joy that Jesus lets me catch glimpses of that make me long for more, for the fact that He hasn't let me snuggle up in my own sorrow. For the fact that I've been able to see Him so clearly through this awful season, and for the fact that I have people in my life that are willing to say:
"This journey sucks, but I'm here. I don't know where we're going, Lin, but we're going together towards the direction that He calls us."
Here's to knowing full and well in my heart that I am ready, ready for You, Lord. Well said, doc.
You are good, Lord. And I will scream that from mountain tops as long as I live, and as long as You live in me.
