the god that doesn't get tired

hi friends. lindsay again.

I've written six of these in the attempt to get the perfect one. Which kind of goes along with my life lately, chasing perfection and shenanigans like that. Which, as I've so conveniently learned while I've written six of these that have ended up in the trash, is impossible and insulting to The Lord that made me perfectly. To The Lord that made me with my stubbornness, my different colored eyes, my desire to do things the right way, my back that just won't stop, the sensitivity in my heart, and who-knows how many more things that are knit together just right to make me up.

But back to that whole perfection thing that my heart gets the wrong idea about. That perfection thing that my heart sometimes mistakes as humanly praise instead of Jesus. It gets a little confused sometimes, and so do I. But I'm not supposed to be able to do this on my own, and I'm not gonna act like I can, though sometimes I want more than anything to be able to. I'm not gonna act like I don't want to be the perfect girlfriend, the sister that calls her siblings daily (sorry guys, you know I love you), the friend that hangs out with everyone the perfect amount, or the teenager that wakes up on time every morning and gets her hair just right every single time. Because Lord knows that that's not me. Sometimes I don't do enough (or too much) in Garrett and I's relationship, sometimes I talk too much (no shocker)  when my whole family gets to be together, sometimes I hold grudges, and sometimes I wake up 30 minutes before I'm supposed to leave (and I can't say I'm sorry about it either) and a lot of times my appearance does what it wants. And a lot of times, it doesn't particularly concern me. 

But to be honest, friends, I don't see anything wrong with that. I don't see anything with being so me that I have to be held together by the glue that is Jesus, and have to be carried a lot of the time. I stumble, I fall, and I do a whole lot of other ungraceful things because when it comes to faith, I'm a klutz. But fortunately for me, Jesus is steady. On the rainy days, the sunny days, the happy day, and the sad days, He is steady all of the time and I'm learning that that's a thing to rejoice over, because I'm not even close, no matter how hard I try. And friends, when I fall, it isn't pretty.

I think I've been trying to busy myself too much lately. I got sick of everyone having plans and tournaments to go to, just because I physically can't right now. It's messed with me more mentally than it has physically, and I'm shaken up right now. And angry, extremely angry. Angry that I can't be good enough, and angry that I can't do the things right now that everyone else gets to. But, in a weird way, I'm also thankful for that. I've gotten a reality check that I'm not gonna be good enough. And it's a hard fact to realize, no matter how many times I type it. But fortunately, my God is one that finished what He starts, and one of those things just so happens to be me. 

This blog is all over the place and I'm all over the place. I'm praying for you, friends, that you'll come to whatever realization that you need to come to so that you can be happy, because we weren't put on this world to wallow in our own sorrow. And I don't intend to do that. So hold me to that, and I'll hold myself to the prayers that I promised would be said. 

We're broken, we're blessed, but thanks to the god that doesn't get tired, we're pretty beautiful. 

(And ps: I'm rebelling against the dreadful  back brace that has been mentioned in previous posts. Stay tuned.)