the middle season

Let me tell you about the season in between. The one between the good and the bad, the broken and the whole. The one where we stubbornly fix our eyes on the light that we promise ourselves is at the end of the tunnel, at the end of the darkness that we keep marching through. The season that's right in the middle. 

That's why I'm here to chant and to scream and to yell to take your eyes away from the light. To keep holding on to it, tightly, but let your eyes wander and look at your current location, right in the middle of the dark. To fix your eyes upon your brokenness, and to let yourself be fully aware. To be fully aware, so that when God brings you slowly but surely to that light, day by day, you can be fully aware of your movement and your journey.

I think I would call my life right now a middle season, as I sit here with my messy bun and glasses and pj pants that are 3 sizes too big and my brother's old Young Life tshirt. I'm in between the yearning for the light and nothing but that, but also I'm learning embracing my brokenness (learning is bolded because I don't have a clue what I'm doing, lol). I'm waiting waiting waiting, for chaos and for calm and for the storm and for prosperity. But I'm trying to look at where I am and learn the full extent of this situation, so that this pain isn't for nothing. If I'm going to do this middle season, I'm going to do it right. 

So here we are, friends. In a season where my patience is being tested and i feel like I'm on a scavenger hunt for grace. But for something I know is gonna be better than anything I could think up in my head. Here we are, embracing this brokenness and weakness so that we can one day appreciate the goodness of being whole, and that we can learn what it's like to cling to the most peaceful and loving guy in this world. Jesus, you're crazy and I don't know where we're going because it's so. dark. 

But maybe that's why you brought me here: so that you could gain my trust by leading me to the light, one foot in front of the other. 

That was way confusing, but what else is new. If you don't get anything else from this jumble of words, I hope you know that the light that is at the end of the tunnel is a real thing and we can cling oh so tightly to it. But I hope you don't ignore your pain, so that you can see the glorious things that come out of it. 

-Lin 

one foot in front of the other

All this pain, I wonder if I'll ever find my way. I wonder if my life could really change at all.

I'm not used to typing these words. Words with depth and brokenness, and a story that isn't finished yet. This season is hard; the hardest thing I've ever done. But these lyrics and this song put both the pain of my heart and the pain of my body into perspective. This song was playing when I walked up in front of too many adults and held up a piece of cardboard on it that told about my specific sin and brokenness. I listened to this song as I cried to my best friend about heart break. I'm listening to this song now, as I tell you about how He makes beautiful things out of dust. 

I'm no more than dust right now, longing to be something that comes from His gentle and knowing hands. Longing to be loved. Longing to be whole, and longing to see the end of this season so that I can see what I've been fighting for. The hard days have made me question whether I was so sure about this, about this love, about this Father. I was gently cautious, like the guy's voice in the beginning of Beautiful Things. But as I continue, I'm sure. I'm content. I'm all set, just like he is when he screams about how beautiful the things are that God chooses to make out of us. I'm choosing, morning by morning, day by day, and piece by piece, to see that truth. To see the love in the midst of the doctors and the x rays, and between the tears and the cookie dough. 

God, I'm broken. I'm so freaking broken I don't even know how to put it into words that you can understand, my friend. But this life is something worth celebratingC and something worth living fully, and that's why I'm choosing to put one foot in front of the other and continue on the beloved journey that God gave us the ability to walk. 

Im whispering your name, Jesus, day by day, and I'm praying that you hold me close. Thank you for not letting me down, and for showing me a thousand words of love through so many little things. 

This is all over the place. But my heart is all over the place, and I promised to be real to you no matter what. It's celebratin and it's weeping and it's looking up at the sky and asking for grace and for more. More of You and more of Your goodness. 

Father, let my heart be after You.

I love you all. Galatians 21:6.