one foot in front of the other

All this pain, I wonder if I'll ever find my way. I wonder if my life could really change at all.

I'm not used to typing these words. Words with depth and brokenness, and a story that isn't finished yet. This season is hard; the hardest thing I've ever done. But these lyrics and this song put both the pain of my heart and the pain of my body into perspective. This song was playing when I walked up in front of too many adults and held up a piece of cardboard on it that told about my specific sin and brokenness. I listened to this song as I cried to my best friend about heart break. I'm listening to this song now, as I tell you about how He makes beautiful things out of dust. 

I'm no more than dust right now, longing to be something that comes from His gentle and knowing hands. Longing to be loved. Longing to be whole, and longing to see the end of this season so that I can see what I've been fighting for. The hard days have made me question whether I was so sure about this, about this love, about this Father. I was gently cautious, like the guy's voice in the beginning of Beautiful Things. But as I continue, I'm sure. I'm content. I'm all set, just like he is when he screams about how beautiful the things are that God chooses to make out of us. I'm choosing, morning by morning, day by day, and piece by piece, to see that truth. To see the love in the midst of the doctors and the x rays, and between the tears and the cookie dough. 

God, I'm broken. I'm so freaking broken I don't even know how to put it into words that you can understand, my friend. But this life is something worth celebratingC and something worth living fully, and that's why I'm choosing to put one foot in front of the other and continue on the beloved journey that God gave us the ability to walk. 

Im whispering your name, Jesus, day by day, and I'm praying that you hold me close. Thank you for not letting me down, and for showing me a thousand words of love through so many little things. 

This is all over the place. But my heart is all over the place, and I promised to be real to you no matter what. It's celebratin and it's weeping and it's looking up at the sky and asking for grace and for more. More of You and more of Your goodness. 

Father, let my heart be after You.

I love you all. Galatians 21:6.