an October nights prayer

I opened my blue book and it turned to a chapter called Space. I was pretty close to continuing on my way and flipping through this marvelous book until I found something that's applicable to what's actually going on in my life right now. But God planted His feet firmly and let me soak in words: words of peace and growth; words that said it was okay to sit. It's okay to do all the things that I said made me restless in my last blog. It's okay to create and find yourself and not be productive for a little while. It's okay. 

Father, don't leave me. Don't leave me when my life is filled with physical pain and mental restlessness. Give me contentness in the space that you have given me to expand and to learn and to rest, let me love it, every minute of it. Let me stop pushing away the gift that you gave me, let me stop trying to pay what I owe. Father thank you for showing me that I can't do it, I can't pay back something so enormous. Let me except what you've given me: life and freedom and joy. Give me a new perspective of You: one that lets me see You as not a lover of rules, but as a lover of me. Thank you for being my Beloved, and thank you for loving me so crazily and genuinely. I don't know how You do it, but man do I want to learn. Help me love, help me love You. Because I don't know how to love flawed people on my own, so I don't have a clue how to love my perfect Father in the way that He deserves. Lord, take away my desire to please people and help me fix my eyes on Y O U. 

Friends, I'm learning and loving that life is more than 7 hours of school followed by hours of homework and a perfect nights sleep. Life is abundant and full and meant for messy love that's so genuine it doesn't even make sense. 

And I'm so thankful that I get to learn about it. Thank you Father, for giving me more. You're crazy and you're awesome and I love you so much.

God bless you friends, because half of these words probably don't make much sense. But I hope that you get my point, the point that we get to find in this life. The day I start writing perfectly will be the day I have my crap together, and I'm pretty sure that won't be happening. I'm a mess. But I'm so loved and so thankful for it. 

Thanks for hanging on. -Lin 

A good Father

Before I start with this, I just want to admit that I don't know where this is going. Jesus tugged at my heart at a random time and faintly whispered, "let me write." 

Let's do this thang, Jesus. 

I haven't really felt a purpose lately.

God has let me fall, fall, fall, but He hasn't let me land on my face (hallelujah). But this morning, I was thinking about how I would rather be dusting myself off from that nasty tumble than sitting here right now. Just sitting. Just chilling. 

Just. Sitting. 

But The Lord (at another random time) said nope, this isn't how we're gonna do this one. WE. Him and me, me and Him. He said "I'm not gonna let you sit here. You have a purpose. But you have to let me show you." 

It sounds so simple. He tells me to sit back and relax, while He does the dirty work for me so that I'm comfortable and joyful. But it's been so hard for me. It's been hard to physically sit back (stupid back) and it's hard to let the most incredible love I know do something for me. To realize that this relationship between God and me isn't one-sided: He gets to serve me too. How freaking cool is that? 

I've been obsessed with this song that we sang at a Young Life camp a few weeks ago. It's called "Good Good Father": 

Oh well I've heard a thousand stories of what they think you're like

But I've heard the tender whisper of love in the dead of night

You tell me that you're pleased with me and that I'm never alone 

You're a good good Father

It's who You are

It's who You are

And I'm l o v e d by you

Thank you Jesus for being proud of me. Thank you for showing me that I am enough, even when I chant to myself that I'm nowhere close. Thanks for smiling at the chance of being able to catch me when I mess things up. Thanks for the grace that I get to see at my locker at school and in quiet moments in the car and in peaceful quiet times when the world isn't quite awake just yet. Thanks for holding me close, stroking my hand, and whispering how I'm your Beloved, no matter what. I don't warm myself with your love enough, Jesus. But man is it great. 

I've been focusing on the pain I feel instead of focusing on joy. And joy is such a better perspective. 

If you want prayers, text or DM or Facebook or call or whatever you want to reach me, whether it's for a test or for grace or for a friend or for you. Or if you just want to talk, I'd love that too. We're in this together, friends, and we weren't meant to do life alone. I'm here. 

Here's to letting myself be pulled from this chair and from this back brace into something beautiful. Here's to standing up and doing, to loving and living. Lord, you're such a good Father. Thanks for chasing me. 

-Lin